(rights available)

Hans Down

or

Die Hardy-har-har

by Lou Harry

Lights up on Hans Gruber, falling from the top of the Nakatomi Plaza.

Obviously, the actor isn’t actually falling but, come on, a little theatrical magic and the audience imagination can make this work…ideally some wind blowing his clothes and hair, a projected backdrop and his arms flailing but, you know, you do what you can.

He is falling throughout but, as will be noted, it’s a tall building.

HANS

(German accent. Not rushed. Yes, he’s falling off a building but his speech is measured)

Okay, Mr. John McClane, you won.

Objectively, one must admit that it was a very good plan as far as high-profile heists of negotiable bearer bonds go.

I rounded up the proper number of accented, well-coiffed but interchangeable henchmen.

I created clever diversionary tactics.

I took that class in snarling at LA’s famed comedy group, The Groundlings.

But I suppose the best laid plans…

[noting how long he has been falling]

You know, this is a much taller building than I thought.

[still falling, a little bored. Sings to himself to the familiar Fiddler on the Roof song…]

If I were a Rickman, yadda di a da da di a da da dom…

[back to speaking voice] While my plan may have been perfect, I see now that I should have checked on a few additional things.

For instance, a little research might have discovered that a key employee was married to or divorced or whatever from a New York cop who might crash her Christmas party.

A closer look at the architectural plans would have noted that the Nakatomi Plaza had, for some reason, extra large ductwork wide enough for a human being to crawl through. Side note: To me that seems remarkably inefficient, but I’m no engineer

So, yes, I miscalculated. And, yes, I know I misquoted Plutarch when I said, “And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer.” Artistic license, amIright?

[again noting how long he has been falling]

I guess, as the sidewalk gets closer, I should say something profound, something that sums up this life of mine that is about to end.

Well, first, I wish my brother – the one who looks like Jeremy Irons – good luck in his planned Wall Street heist. We have our differences but, you know, siblings.

Second, I still don’t get this “Yippee-Ki-Yi-Ya” thing. What language is that?

Third, I want to do my part to end here and now what I suspect will be, if I don’t intervene, a divisive debate that will sever friendships and split apart families for generations to come.

The question: Whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

I will say with one hundred percent indisputable certainty that…

[Sudden Blackout and a splat as Hans hits the pavement. MUSIC UP: “Let It Snow.”]

END OF PLAY